Addiction to Sadness

What do you do
when you can't do anything?
What do you say
when they're not listening?
How do you save those
who want to stay lost?
Addiction to drugs
Addiction to lust
What about the addiction undiscussed?

The addiction to sadness
The thought that there's nothing better,
That you can't become greater
That you like this hell you're in
and its easier to rot
than to repent for your sin.

You like it
The way you feel
That God is gone
and hope isn't real

I've been down that road.
God, I loved it.
I loved that feeling of not even trying
that there was no reason for even living.
The thought that I was nothing
not worth a single penny
It was easier to deny I was loved
than to walk up the hill
holding my cross
and seeing his blood

I wasn't worth it
He shouldn't have gone through that pain
I'm a screw up and he shouldn't know my name
God, no! You can't love me!
I can't return the favor, I'm just nothing!
Please leave me alone to die,
to enjoy this darkness I am inside.

Stop God! Stop loving me!
I can't handle the guilt following
I'm not worth it
I have no purpose
Please just let me be useless

I'm telling you I know this feeling
It's the devil yelling and screaming
He's filling you with lies
He wants your heart to die
He can't let you live
He knows you'll survive
You have to kill those thoughts,
those demons inside.

God loves you, just you.
Not your works
Not your words
Just accept his love
his merciful, powerful love
Its the most beautiful thing you'll ever know
Please! Please don't give up hope.

2 Corinthains 7

            I was reading today in 2 Corinthians 7 and at first I didn’t receive anything, it was when I read it in the message bible that It really hit me.

Paul is writing to the church explaining to them how much pride and joy he has in them. Titus had just came from the church and was so thrilled with how they treated him. Paul was overjoyed and no longer felt bad for calling them out, because the outcome from it was so great.

“Distress that drives us back to God does that, it turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets” (The Message Bible, 2 Cor. 7.10).

I love this next part (vs.11). It says because of this distress, sorrow, and regret we end up closer to God. Not only that, we are (I am) more:

• Alive
• Concerned
• Sensitive
• Reverent
• Human
• Passionate
• Responsible
• Pure in Heart

These all come with being closer to God. Paul was thrilled to see how titus reacted to the church. “ I couldn’t be more pleased, I am so confident and proud of you” (The Message Bible, 2 Cor. 7.16).

            In my words, you have to take your sorrow, pain, regret and distress and let it fuel you to drive back to God, to get closer to him. Then take joy because the outcome is great. Looking back at everything I’ve been through throughout high school and even up to my first year of college. I am so excited to be coming back to God. Though what I’ve been through was tough and I still deal with the regrets, I’m letting it drive me closer to God and I couldn’t be more joyful.

Where I Find You

God your presence is so great
Oh how the wind whispers your name
Nothing can compare
Even the birds want to sing

Father my love for you grows and
I'll continue on
Singing my hearts song
Holding on to your peace because
In a single moment
Nothing can compare
God, your presence is here

I Believe

I believe in unconditional love.
In loving your enemies,
In loving the liars,
The cheaters,
The neglected,
The cutters, the gays and the abused.
I believe in doing the right thing.
I believe in doing what's least expected of me.
I believe in making a difference.
Being an example, a light, and a leader
and mostly I believe in loving others,
the way Christ first loved me.

A Girl In A Ball Cap

Her heart was big
the kind of big that's painful.
She'd love those
who'd break and abuse her.
She didn't know her worth,
so she was okay with that,
till one day when
she was given an old ball cap.

She had three brothers.
She would play
their kind of games
their kind of way.
She'd wrestle and fight
and make them proud
cus the girl they wanted
was coming around.

She lost herself and the girl she knew
but she loved her brothers
and the thing they'd do.
They were all so special
but they did things differently,
but she loved each one
cus each one was family.

They made her wear that old ball cap,
put her hair up and hide her face
cus they desperately needed someone
to play second base.

They made her wear that old ball cap
and gave her a beer
and said "Thanks we needed ya"
so here's a cheer.
"To the one who's always there
and helps us in our rut,
who will do anything just to be with us
so here's to the one in the old ball cap
you've done us good,
you got us on track "

But little did they know,
she ran away.
She's heard it too much
that's all they'd ever say.

She's always there
if they need help,
but no one's there to hear her yell.
She screams at the sky
and continues to cry
because she hates that ball cap
and knows her brothers
don't even care where she's at.

But the hardest part is not going back
and putting on that old ball cap
because she still loves them,
they're still her brothers
but her heart knows
she deserves much better.

Deep End

I miss you
and the ship that sank that night
I miss your lips
and the moon that shined so bright
I miss your eyes
and the way you held me tight
I miss you
and the ship that sank that night

I saw it coming
It was going down
but I refused to except it
while you twirled me around

We danced that night
under the stars
you kissed my heart
where others left scars

You waltzed me to the edge
with your gentle words
as you said
hold your breath

I miss you
and the ship that sank that night

False Silhouette

Have you ever made a choice
you cant undo?
Have you ever done something
that wasn't you?
Do you wish you can rewind
and go back in time?

Stop yourself right there,
when you think its harmless,
when you think it can't hurt,
when life seams timeless.

Show yourself the pain you'll go through,
tell yourself those thoughts are untrue.

Its not worth it, its all a lie
the devil is always going to try
to take down his biggest threat
but you believed the silhouette.

How could that be untrue
to me, it just fells good
Its normal, its right, there's no need to fight
there's nothing bad in sight.

You fool, its a  trap!
You walked right into it and cant go back.
Well you fell too far, there's no hope,
so give up now and don't look up.

Dig deeper, make it worse
don't tell anyone, its an ugly curse.
You cant do anything now
just fool everyone and take a bow.

You've become like me,
a liar, a thief.
I take pride in what you can't see.

You now live in hell
and I wont let you breathe.

Wait, what's happening?
This isn't me.
I know better
Why can't I see?

God are you there?
I'm tired and scared.
I made a bad compromise
and now I only hear lies.

Please save me?
I'm just slowly killing myself
I know I don't deserve it,
I know I'm not worth it
because I believed the liar himself.