I can straight up say I was pretty insecure. But it's not because of an incident in my past or because I was always being bullied or any traumatizing experience. There was some instances when I did get bullied or picked on or hurt but those things haven't stuck with me. The reason I was insecure was because of my self talk.
I'm blessed to have good friends that uplift me and a family that supports me. I've never had someone I was close to tell me I was ugly or worthless or that nobody liked me. You might ask "So then why were you insecure?" Its because the very person I was with everyday that I couldn't escape from or leave, was my worst enemy ... Myself.
I looked way too far into things. I told myself what people were thinking about me when in reality it's probably wasn't even true. I struggled everyday to try and shut out my thoughts . That's why music became my best friend, because I couldn't hear myself think.
The worst of my self talk was probably around the beginning of my junior year (2012). My parents were big on correction and making sure I turned out perfect (that's what I thought). They wanted me to be the very best I could be and by wanting that they tended to correct me a lot. But of course my mind took that as "I'm not good enough" and "I will never meet their standards." Over time I came up with the idea that arguing doesn't end the, what I called "life lessons." It just made them longer. So I concluded that I should shut up and listen to my parents which isn't suppose to be a bad thing but when I shut up it means I'm thinking, and when I'm thinking too much it's not a good thing. I would end up going into these almost like seizure type things. I would violently shake, cry, and sometimes scream. My muscles would tighten up so tight the next day I would be sore. This was all because I couldn't get rid of the negative self talk. It was literally destroying me, mentally and physically.
Finally one time when I was having this seizure, over the self talk I heard my parents saying "Brittany you have to shut the devil up, you have to declare it, you can't let him win." And me being an athlete I don't like to lose so that really got to me. So through the trembling I quietly said "devil leave me alone this is my body, my brain, my parents DO love me, they're here to help not hurt." And after a couple minutes I calmed down. I had a few more seizures after that one but I can thank God that they stopped. But sadly I replaced it with cutting. I wasn't too caught up in it because I would avoid my parents and the arguing by never being home, and being out with friends or listening to music all the time. When they did correct me I tried to think of other things so I didn't overwhelm my self.
Later that year I started going to counseling at my church. Counseling, what I concluded is not the medicine or cure for the problem, you're not going to go in one day and come out the next all healed. What I got out of it was its a place to say how you feel and get a Godly response. It helped me gather my thoughts and say them without overwhelming myself with lies. Because if I couldn't put them into words then it was just stupid stuff overwhelming me. It helped me realize that I'm loved and I'm special, I have many talents that I should be proud of, that I shouldn't let them go to waste. So BIG shout out to Mrs. Jody for helping me through that time!
With the help of great leaders at my church, really good friends, my parents who never gave up, and most importantly my Lord and savior I came out of this with not only lessons learned but with a testimony. I have grasped the fact that self talk is the most important thing when it comes to self image. You could have a poll and have the entire world vote you as 'perfect' but If you don't believe it yourself it won't matter. If you believe inside that God made you beautiful and he wouldn't change a thing about you, people can tell you all they want but it won't even effect you. The biggest thing in changing your self talk is to know, it's not you. Sounds weird right? I know, but it's not you. God is love right? So if Gods love, but you don't love yourself, then who/what is it? The devil! He comes to steal (your joy), kill (your confidence), and destroy (you). The easiest way for him to do that is disguised as yourself. This way you begin to hate yourself. It's the things he whispers to you when you're alone and vulnerable. I don't mean to scare you but this is what I've learned to do. It might sound stupid but I promise you it works. Tell the devil he's a liar and not just in your head OUT LOUD! He will hate that! Tell him your Lord has already defeated him, he has no place in your mind! If you're in public still say it, you can whisper it, you don't want to freak anyone out lol but don't let him take advantage of you AT ALL! Just always remember if its not of God, it's the devil! So I encourage anyone going through something like what I went through, talk to someone, preferably a mentor or a leader you know or if that's hard to do I strongly encourage you write it out! You don't have to be a good writer it's not getting published in a book. I wrote the first half of this story while I was dealing with it, and it was the first thing I read to my counselor. So please don't try to get though this alone talk to someone, write it out, whatever it takes to know that God loves you unconditionally.
